“I don’t know if God even wants me to do this anymore.”

The tears rolled down my face as I cried pathetically on the couch. Mom sat nearby and Dad was seated in the rocking chair across the way, both listening to me unload the heavy weight which had been burdening my heart. I was confused. I was upset at myself. I felt pressured. I was discouraged.

The website I had begun at age 14 was in shambles and sadly neglected. I had been desiring to redesign it, to relaunch it with fresh vision, but there it sat for several years. Good friends would give gentle, yet persistent reminders, “Hey, how’s Godly Girlhood coming?” People would come up to our CD table and grab my business card, while I would sheepishly explain that it was still in the works. And every once in a while I’d visit the site and say, “Oh, I should do something!”

But the “something” I kept striving for wasn’t really what it was meant to be. God’s plans have been different from mine.

When I discontinued posting on GodlyGirlhood.org for a time, I began to lose my original focus and vision: to encourage today’s Christian young women to be tomorrow’s godly wives and mothers. Well, I didn’t think I did, but it truly became smothered by expectations and aspirations that weren’t there at the beginning of my journey.

It started with the design. I am an artistic person and I love color, shapes, accents, and typography. But what began as a desire to freshen up a pathetic template became a consuming search to have the best looking website for young ladies on the world wide web. I studied websites, I went through countless design drafts (just ask my family!), and each time I thought I was a little bit closer to completion, something wouldn’t be “just right” and hinder once again the vision.

Next came the dream to have a huge website with a cohesive team of contributors submitting articles. I kept praying for the perfect team of ladies to surround myself with, but never got a definite answer. I didn’t give up hoping…until I received a poor response to my call for submissions and other complications.

Then came the plan to create many on-going series, and the giveaways, and the interviews…

And through it all was the comparison. Unconsciously  I began to compare myself to women who had thriving ministries – whether through the internet, nation-wide speaking tours, book series, etc. etc. I so wanted the success and effectiveness they seemed to possess. The goals I then set up for myself began to deter me from my original passion to just share what I had been learning. My internal checklist began to unintentionally look a little like this:

1. Create a stunning website with high functionality and a powerful design that will just grab everyone’s attention.
2. Blog every day with influential words and messages that will begin to change the lives of women – young and old – everywhere.
3. Eventually write a book because women everywhere are begging for it and seeking after the wisdom originally found exclusively through the website.
4. Start conferences around the country and lead thousands of women to renewed and purposeful life.
5. Become a featured speaker on popular women’s conferences.
6. Marry a wonderful fellow speaker/author/minister/musician man who also has a huge international ministry and then start a combined ministry to reach millions of people across the world.
7. Continue 1-5 while living in a huge, four (plus) story home on Lake Superior and raising angelic children and so on and so forth…

(A little ridiculous, right?)

But, within the past few months, every expectation has fallen flat, each self-focused goal has come into the light. I stopped consulting God on He wanted me to use this site and what His plans were for me. Gradually, I have realized how much I’ve strayed from my original intentions and how I’ve hindered the wonderful little ministry God gave me six years ago through a simple website called Godly Girlhood.

I pulled up from the dredges of my heart the hidden checklist and made a list based on reality.

1. My knowledge of graphic and web designing is relatively small, and I just can’t compete with changing technology and fancy scripts.
2. I can’t blog consistently on any of the other blogs I’ve maintained, and I’m just too busy to blog every single day.
3. I’ve never finished any book I’ve started, except for “The Funny Family’s Counting Book” and “Oodles of Noodles” – and those won’t change anyone’s lives.
4. I don’t know how to run a conference.
5. I am not a public speaker. Period.
6. No such man exists – at least, I haven’t met him yet!
7. And number 7 is obsolete because 1-6 are obsolete (and yes, it is rather far fetched).

So it’s time.

Time to throw away the old checklist. I’m just a girl on a journey, living at home with my family of eight (who never seem to be home because of their music ministry!), learning daily about what it means to be a godly girl. The Lord continues to teach me much, and you know, I only desire to simply share the lessons He has taught me. Gone are the aspirations of becoming a public speaker or having a website with a large contributing staff. God has called me to the here and now, to share honestly the instructions I’ve learned, and to be of encouragement to you on your journey.

“The Spirit of the Lord is upon me, because the Lord has anointed me to bring good news to the poor; He has sent me to bind up the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives, and the opening of the prison to those who are bound…to comfort those who mourn…to give them a beautiful headdress instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of a faint spirit; that they may be called oaks of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He may be glorified. They shall build up the ancient ruins; they shall repair the ruined cities, the devastations of many generations.” (Isaiah 61:1-3)

His Truly,
Taylor